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Waiting for it to get better

It’s been a while.  When we last met, I guess I was somewhat cryptic about a new journey I was approaching. I was scared. I knew it would be hard. But I knew the way I was living was hard, too.

When I clean my house, like big time, hard core, deep cleaning… I have a saying… it gets worse before it gets better. I empty closets, throw out old papers and unnecessary items cluttering drawers.  I move furniture and clean underneath and stir up dust bunnies that roll like tumbleweed across the hardwood floors. I accumulate bags of trash and donation items for charity. During the process, my house is a virtual train wreck, but there is a purpose- a clean house at the end of the tunnel.

I am living in a metaphorically messy house. I’m trying like hell to clean and organize it. Every time I feel like I see a little bit of clean floor, however, it seems like someone comes and takes a shit on it.  I try to keep telling myself it gets worse before it gets better. But it’s hard when it’s more than just a dirty house. When five kids are counting on you and you know you are fighting the good fight and being kicked in the dirt over and over again for playing by the rules.

My kids and I are living  with my mom, going on three months now. I have become a pro at scraping dried up cheese  off of travertine, scrubbing milk off of wrought iron spindles, and retrieving coasters, flip flops and fruit snacks from VCR slots (to which, I, too, wonder, who even uses VCRs anymore?)

I have become accustomed to broken sleep on a sofa and muffling my tears quietly in an extra bathroom. I have become fluent  in trying to convince employers in interview after interview that I am meritorious and deserving when I have a hard time believing it myself. I have been brokenhearted watching my kids adjust to the same kind of transient lifestyle of air mattresses and their belongings in bags.

While my mom’s house is lovely, albeit not childproof, and I will never be able to express my gratitude and huge amounts of guilt that the burden of my family has caused on their day to day life, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I don’t see a clean house in sight.

But in the end, I am doing what’s best for me, my kids and our future. They deserve a mom that feels she has a self worth, is surrounded by people that feel the same and is willing to prove it.


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13 comments to Waiting for it to get better

  • pgoodness

    Stick with it - it’s just a slower house cleaning. Your kids will be fine and so will you. Short term crappiness for long term happiness. :)

  • mommabird2345

    Hang in there. You will be ok. I know it sucks (I’ve been through this, but I only had one kid at the time), but you’ll be happier in the end. Good luck on the job search!

  • Nuala Reilly

    Rooting for you hard. There are so many things I wish I could say to you, also as a mom to five kids, but for now I can only say that I applaud you and I’m in your corner. Things will get better. The right road is not always the easiest one, is it?

  • Nanette

    You are doing a great job, and I know you’ll come out on the other side of this juuuuuusssst fine.

  • Stacie

    You are teaching your kids, especially your daughters, an important lesson about self-respect. Stay strong.

  • Lesley

    Ditto what Stacie said. You *can* continue forth. You can. Hold strong, sister. I’m in the trenches with ya.

  • Jenn in Tenn

    It’s not an easy road you’re on, by any means, but it will get better. For you AND your kids. You got this!
    Read this the other day…new to me, maybe not to you…so true though. H.O.P.E. Hold On Pain Ends.

  • The Mom Jen

    You can do this, thinking and praying for you!

  • paige

    hang in there…it gets better….BTDT

  • Nicki

    Still here thinking of you and praying for your healing!! xoxo

  • Jen

    LOL …. Forty.. Fat.. AND Five kids.. Good luck with that.

  • Allison Zapata

    Whoa”JEN”- I’m sorry you hate yourself so much. That’s so sad.

  • Heather

    LOL @”Jen.” I bet your life is awesome!

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