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nuerosis, mothering, living
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New Beginning

I was ten years old and I specifically remember my mom sitting me down on my bed to have “a talk”. She wasn’t much of a talker. She did  the minimum of what needed to be done and was just kind of withdrawn most of the time, unless I was in trouble.  My heart raced and my palms got sweaty as my mind was running through all of the things I may have done wrong recently.

“Your dad and I are getting a divorce.”

I froze and didn’t react immediately because the response my mind was thinking would have been inappropriate during this heart to heart. My authentic response to jump up and down on my bed seemed uncompassionate. I think I faked tears.

She and my dad fought. A lot. There was a lot of screaming and a lot of crying, from my mom and from me. I got accustomed to holding my pillow tight enough over my ears so I didn’t have to hear anything but muffled voices and an occasional chachki crashing against a wall.

My only point of reference of divorce was my neighbor; a single mom with two children. I was friends with the kids and often spent the night there. It was an escape. A peaceful refuge where anxiety wasn’t in the air. They laughed. They ate meals together- willingly. They belonged to PWP (Parents Without Partners)  and were often busy doing activities with them. Everyday, it seemed, they had something to look forward to and a reason to smile. If this was what divorce was about, then count me in!

After the divorce, my mom blossomed. She had a freedom and a zest for life that I didn’t know was possible. Her sadness faded.  I had a new mom and I liked her. It’s because of my experience that I am a firm believer that you don’t stay married for the kids. I missed ten years with  that happy woman. I saw her sad and crying in those ten years more times that I should have in a lifetime. Unfortunately, the traumatic time my parents were married had already done its harm to my nerves and molded me into an anxious, self-conscious girl with self-esteem issues.

Though some damage was done, I vowed to not repeat my mom mistakes.

Unfortunately, I am unable to keep my promise.

Things may become rather quiet around here and this is why. But it’s all good. A rebirth and rediscovery of myself is in the works. Though the road may be long, I’m eager to begin again and find myself. I’ve been missing for a while. I’m excited to get to know this person again. I hope you will be, too.

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22 comments to New Beginning

  • Brittany

    We’ll be here.

  • Jen

    We will be here indeed, with open ears, and hearts. I’m glad you’re doing whatever it takes to get back to You.

  • Last Girl Standing

    This really resonates with me. You describe my childhood exactly, except my parents stayed “for the sake of the children” and ruined 18 years of my life.  And now, all these years later of even more fighting (because after so many years it’s all my mom knew, so why leave now?) I have no relationship with either parent because they may be fine with that but I’m not. I’m proud of you for taking the steps necessary to find yourself and be happy. Sometimes it can be hard and scary but it is always, always, worth it. *hugs*

  • Heather

    I wish I lived closer so I could be there with you physically, but I’m always here in every other possible way. xo

  • cindy w

    Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. XOXO

  • Nicki

    My parents divorced when I was 6 years old. It had its drawbacks for sure but I know that it is better for children to be from a “broken” home than to live in one. The term “broken home” doesn’t set well with me because sometimes it takes breaking up the marriage to repair the home for the children. I don’t know exactly what you are saying here and I don’t need to know. Just know that you have so much support from us as you begin whatever journey lies ahead of you. Take good care of you, Tena!!!

  • Allison Zapata

    To echo B’s comment - We’ll be here. We’ll ALWAYS be here!! Love you.

  • alimartell

    much love to you, my friend.

  • Kristie

    Love you, girl. You can do this. Plus, think of all the DILF hotties!

  • Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]

    Just like the “Friends” theme song, “I’ll be there foorrrr youuuuu…”

    I’ll bring a meat trifle to our impromptu lunch.

  • Jenn in Tenn

    Hugs to you Tena…we’ll be here when you’re ready.

  • Nanette

    Sending you so much love, Tena. Like the others said, I wish I could give you a big ol’ hug. xoxo

  • Nuala Reilly

    Sending all kinds of positive thoughts your way!

  • Barb

    Good luck with whatever you decide!

  • jen

    You have a ton of people supporting you!!

  • mommabird2345

    I wish you all the best in finding-YOU.

  • Stacie

    Onward and upward.

  • Susan in PA

    It took me seven years to finally know (with certainty and peace) that I had to file…Slowly I found the Susan that loved life and was a very happy and positive person. It was evident to everyone who loved me, even though I had pretended everything was fine. My three children are doing well, thriving. And most after so long, I have peace and hope in my soul. I would wish the painful part on no one, but am here to say I know this “Susan” again…and I like her….

  • Andrea

    Me too me too. I just found you through your post on Curvy Girl Guide. I am at the cross roads and don’t know if I can let go. I only have one daughter but I don’t want this to be her example. It is helpful to hear more and more ladies who say they waited too long. I hope I don’t wait too long, but it’s the hoping that I just won’t have to do it at all that makes me pause. Thank you soooo much for sharing!!

  • Nicki

    Still thinking about you. Hope you are okay!

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