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In Defense

My life has gotten a little out of my control lately. I don’t know why it’s so fucking hard to take back my life, but it is. Fear of the unknown? Change is scary? Do I even remember how to do it? Yeah, all of that.

In an effort to make sense, I write cryptic shit at 3am on my phone, text it to my email and copy it here. Because good decisions are made at 3am when I’m too lazy to get out of bed, but my brain won’t shut off.

I’ve been slipping away for a long time. Memories that should be fond, are sad. Reminders of what I’m not anymore. I’m desperately clawing to get back. Desperate to not leave anyone in my wake. Desperate to surround myself with people that are unconditionally supportive of me. Worried that those things may be a contradiction.

I need to laugh again. I need to enjoy life again.

Something that has become an important part of my life, to the chagrin of some, is my online life.

This place. The things I write. The release I get from it. Putting thoughts into words: emotional thoughts, random thoughts, funny thoughts, sometimes even, inappropriate thoughts.

The community. I have friends that I have met online. It’s true. They are friends- no air quotes, no footnotes. They are supportive. They are funny. They are creative. They are smart. They are not asterisked and the connections are not lessened by the fact that I have not met some of them in person.

They have names. This is not the Al Gore Internet of the past. It’s evolved. I am not chatting with [email protected] who uses a stock photo of  Katie Holmes as her profile picture.

Being isolated as a stay at home mom for so long forced my hand to this place. I was seeking a refuge and an outlet. I found it. And I’ve embraced it. It doesn’t threaten my real life. It actually makes it more bearable, makes me more sane. While you may go have a coffee with a friend  in the morning and shoot the shit about work or have a beer in the evening disputing a call in last night’s game, I do this. I am not becoming a lesbian. I am not having an affair. I am not courting a 14 year old boy while Kris Hanson looks on waiting to make his entrance.

I am as cynical as the day is long. I am cautious. I am careful. But first and foremost, I am a grown woman. I am a grown woman who is going to New York to meet with friends. To enjoy their company. To feel like a grown up and wear something other than ratty old t-shirts that may or may not have holes in the boobs. To remind myself of who I need to get back to.



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6 comments to In Defense

  • Jessica

    Does this mean I’ll get to hang with you at BlogHer???

  • Jen

    I can’t wait to hang out with you even if we have to go all the way to NYC to do it. Love you lady!

  • pgoodness

    This is so very REAL and don’t let anyone ever try to tell you otherwise. Wish I could meet up with you there in NYC.

    THIS: It doesn’t threaten my real life. It actually makes it more bearable, makes me more sane.

  • Sandi

    I hope you have a wonderful time. You deserve it! I hope someday I find some friends again. (did that sound like a pity party? I didn’t mean it to, it was just a thought.)

  • mommabird2345

    Hope you have a blast in NYC. Friends help make everything better.

  • nicki

    Have an awesome trip!!! And I love you! But not romantically because you just said you are not becoming a lesbian. =)

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