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nuerosis, mothering, living
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I have to be honest…

I attended a wedding this weekend.  There were lots of tears.

I don’t get emotional at weddings.

The tears were in my closet as I was getting dressed to leave.  My go-to leggings and oversized T-shirt wouldn’t cut it today no matter how much makeup I put on.

This dress didn’t zip.  That one made me look too wide. The one that I ended up wearing showed waaay too much boob (and arms and width).  I ended up wearing a cardigan over the dress.  Chicken!

These days, there’s no getting around it.  I’m simply unhappy with my body right now.

Ironically, today is the day that I have a picture of me posted online in a swimsuit.  I am a part of the Curvy Girl Guide’s Project Real- Swimsuit Confidence Movement.  I cannot be a chicken today.

I’m torn about the whole thing.  I’m so proud to be a part of something so amazing, liberating and helping women realize that they are NORMAL even though they don’t look like a magazine cover.

However, I feel like a fraud.   I don’t have the confidence.  I’m trying.  It’s a journey.  I can see the beauty in every single other woman, but the person in the mirror has so many flaws, so much work to do.

I look at the picture and part of me wants to put 100 disclaimers in the footnotes… I am nursing, I had a baby six months ago, isn’t at her optimal weight, a 10 year old took this picture and that adds 30 lbs.  But I couldn’t.  I knew I shouldn’t.  That’s not the point.  The point is that this is me.  This is many women.

Whether it’s me for the next six months or if this is the size I will be from now on- this is me.  I can’t hide from it.  I can’t hide from pictures.  I can’t hide from life.

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11 comments to I have to be honest…

  • Jes

    This was all a ploy, right? Because after your list of disclaimers I was prepared for something horrific. But you look good! No joke! And since I expected horrific now I’m able to put you firmly in the Excellent category because you exceeded expectations so well!

    I am feeling so great right now which is hilarious because I spent the last 20 months feeling awful about my postpartum body. And all of a sudden it’s like it never happened. Which is bad because I’m planning on doing this again and I’m hoping I don’t get too overeager. I would like to spend a little more time with my current weight, you know?

    Anyway, I feel your pain. You look great. You don’t need to hide.

  • Aunt Cranky

    Ah, the famous body disclaimer our entire family endorses. Get over it…I saw you at the wedding and you looked damn good. Also, knowing you - you will attain that “smaller size” and it won’t be what you wanted. Go with what you got now - cause you just don’t know what tomorrow will bring. love ya

  • nic @mybottlesup

    oh tena… your pic was one of my absolute favorites. anyone can fake confidence here and there, but no one can fake that beautiful smile on your face.

  • Sandi

    Tena, you look great! Really, I am not just saying that :) I love what you guys are doing.

  • Melissa

    I’m not gonna lie, when i headed over to Curvy Girl I expected it to not be pretty and with good reason for all the reasons you disclaimed. But seriously, you look good. You may not be comfortable with yourself and I won’t devalue that because I’ve been there. But you don’t look bad from outside your head. At least know that.

  • nicole

    Thanks for being honest. You do look good in the picture, but none of us can make that true for you anyway. I just think it is great that you are acknowledging your insecurities while trying to be confident too.

  • You are fantastic and brave. And you look wonderful. I may go try on that suit too.

  • nicki

    Okay, I will be honest now and you have to promise to believe me! Promise? Just say “yes” even if you don’t mean it; I’ll never know! YOU LOOK FUCKING AMAZING IN THAT PIC!!!! I would also die for legs like yours!!! Really, Tena, you look beautiful!!!

  • Terri

    Tena - seriously give your a break, not only did you have a baby six months ago but it was your fourth/fifth? (haha, I can’t even remember!). Your body may take some time to bounce back and if not, put it down to “medals of motherhood!!”. I think your smile is infectious and your arms, boobs and legs look fantastic and really what’s anyone else looking at these days? : ) Kudos to your for leaving your comfort zone and don’t beat yourself up - you look super.

  • Cheryl

    I saw your pic and you look fabulous. I’m always blatantly honest, too — I formerly wrote as “the daily blonde” when I was blond and funny. Now I’m struggling with the swim suit thing (approaching 50 with extra hippage) and I will tell you-don’t hide. Just be you. Your smile is contagious, your attitude is “real”…and that is all that matters.

    Haven’t read your posts in so, so long…life goes by so quickly. Enjoy every minute and screw the size teeny pants. It’s not fashionable to look like a stick. :)

  • [...] year, I displayed a picture of me in my swimsuit for all of the Internet to see. It was hard, I’m not gonna lie. Boasting “swimsuit [...]

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