My mom’s weapon against me and my bad attitude and smart ass ways growing up was “you’re grounded”.  I think it’s safe to say that I was grounded for 85% of my twelfth through fifteenth year.  

At first, it carried some weight.  I would be shattered that I couldn’t go out with friends- for about the first 15 times.  But [...]

No, seriously.

If you must shave your lady bits, by all means, do it in a CAR

WHILE you’re DRIVING

TO your boyfriend’s house

With your ex-husband in the passenger seat- steering.

You can’t make this shit up.  Floridians- I bow to your brand of dysfunction.

I made the decision.  I’m sure it won’t come without some regret- eventually.  But I did what I had to do.  And, for now, I’m happy with it.  After all, I am the only person in this house that knows how to put the toilet paper roll onto the dispenser.  Skills like that are invaluable.

I turned down [...]

Hi, I’m wishy washy.  I want a job, I don’t want a job. 

The closer I get, the more I realize, I have this life down pat.  I could do it in my pajamas.  And I usually do.  

My internal alarm wakes me every morning at just-early-enough-to-get-ready-without-having-adolescent-breakdowns O’clock. 

We’re out of milk… here’s a donut oatmeal.  Can’t find my [...]

Bars should be dark.  It hides smeared mascara and shiny foreheads and insecurities (or maybe that’s the booze?)  

Also, my husband is self conscious of his hairline resembling a vagina in certain lights.  Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that because now, if you ever see him, you’ll be thinking about the unkempt crotch on his head and [...]

We are in the midst of our birthday season.  Friday, my baby will be 5 (hold me!) and next week, my 10 year old technically turns 11 (but I’m pretty sure she’s mentally going on 17- hold me tighter!)

My 10 year old’s birthday always falls in Lent.   As students at a Catholic school, my kids are strongly encouraged [...]

Honesty is my curse.  

Life’s discords- some small, some big- are all the truth serum I need.  And next thing you know… watch out!  Don’t step in the word vomit! 

I sometimes wish for the passive- aggressive, avoidance tools that make my mom so goddamn chipper and positive-  but then I reach for  the meds and voila- passive- agressive in [...]

I could feel the unsettling, the bubbling in my gut moving upward.  My fingertips and nose were cold, but I was sweating profusely.  Vision was becoming cloudy through the cusp of the waterworks.  Don’t lose it, not here, not in the carpool lot, I told myself.   Then my phone rang.  It was my mom.  She must have recognized [...]

Dear Facebook,

Don’t change anything.  Fuck all those dorks that can’t keep up with your format changes. They are probably the same idiots that fill up my homepage with their Farmland, Mafia, and Bejewell bullshit. That’s not what Facebook is about! I’m here to applaud you on what you are doing right.  For the good of society.   

I know [...]

What’s a woman gotta do to get some love? 

So yesterday was Valentine’s day.  I don’t pretend to like that day. I never have. But this year- I REALLY wasn’t in the mood!  

I didn’t change my Facebook status to show me and my husband and say how we met and how long we’ve been together. Corny!  Or maybe [...]