Seems like each week I start a new diet or regime. (How’s that working for you, Tena? Yeah, not so good. Shut up.) Along with talking to myself, I barter with myself. When I’m feeling energized enough to be working out, I work out hard, and justify eating. When I don’t have the energy to work out, I focus on what I can sacrifice in my diet. I am rarely ever firing on all cylinders of diet and exercise, simultaneously. It’s a bad plan, I get it.
Lately, though, it feels like I’m fighting a harder battle than I used to. It used to be primarily about my weight. How clothes fit and how I felt in them. If I was able to wear pants with a button and zipper on a given day, that was success. But now, the reflection in the mirror is unfamiliar in more cruel, unflattering ways.
There are always new unwelcome lines, blotches, and puffiness. I guess it comes with the territory, but I don’t like it. In less than 5 months, I will be turning 40. And my conclusion is getting old is an asshole. Your body becomes uncooperative like it has one of those autoimmune diseases and attacks itself, very counter-productive.
My eyelashes and eyebrows have become thin and sparse. But, lucky me, the hair has redirected itself to grow in my nose or on my nipples! None on the chin, yet, but it’s just a matter of time, I’m sure.
I feel like I have a hangover every morning, though I rarely do. It takes longer and longer to get ready every day, and that’s just to fake my I just decided to go natural today look. Even when I spend a lot of time putting on my face, and my mirror at home doesn’t look half bad, I inevitably pass a reflection and wonder who the poor old dried up lady with droopy frown lines and dark circles under her eyes is. It’s a bitch when I realize she’s wearing the same thing as I was when I left the house.
Because of this,this week, I decided to go a little different route on my diet of choice. The 3- day Face Lift Diet. I have heard about it before and seen interviews with Dr. Perricone, but never really put much thought into it. Then Lauren Manzo, Caroline’s daughter from Real Housewives of New Jersey, went to visit Dr. Perricone (in REAL LIFE, Gah! I wish Caroline was MY mom!) and she is now under the care of him. I have no idea if she’s had any results, but this is how I make life’s decisions… if it’s good enough for the Housewives of Jersey (or their kids), it’s good enough for me.
So I researched the diet again. The reviews are pretty much rave all around. And it seemed very promising and I hope to show you a picture of me looking ten years younger next week, but if I don’t… it may be because I killed someone.
The diet is based on eliminating inflammation. By eating these certain foods, the inflammation is supposed to decrease, which is the cause of the aged look. I concur. I could use some anti-inflammation, for sure!
There’s only one problem. One key to this diet is salmon. The Omega 3 in salmon is said to be the trick and, well, I hate salmon (and any fish, for that matter). But it’s for three days! You can do pretty much anything for just three days, right? RIGHT?
Well, that’s what my optimistic, first thing in the morning, let’s get this started, fresh self told herself. I ventured to the store and bought the things that were need for three days of eating to decrease puffiness, including 2 lbs of salmon. As I portioned it into individual servings, I threw up in my mouth from the smell a few times. And the skin on the fish! I don’t even know what to do with this! I keep telling myself, it’s THREE DAYS! I can do this, can’t I?
But so help me God, if I eat that shit and I don’t look a little better, I will lose it.