Why haven’t I written, you ask? Because anything I’d have to say would be a downer. Depressing as hell, and who wants to hear that?
Then I get comments from old downer posts where people empathize, say they get it, that they are going through similar struggles. As cliche as it may be, misery does love company. I don’t wish will ill on anyone, but when you know you’re not alone, there’s an oddly masochistic connection there.
I tend to be the giver of too much information. Which, in most cases, ends up biting me in the ass.
I exchanged e-mails with an old friend this week. In the email she asked how I was feeling. The anxiety, worry, fear, and depression has gotten so deep that I don’t have it in me to say “fine” anymore. I can rarely fake a smile or cordial conversation anymore. Who knew that sadness drained the ability to cover up or be fake, but it has.
So, regardless of the fact that I’m not really close with said person anymore, I shared, shared that I was depressed, shared that things were tough, and I hit send.
Within minutes, I received a response from her. She was in a similar place. Having struggles financially and in her marriage. Her children were driving her nuts and her escape was, regrettably, her work. I felt a sigh of relief in her e-mail. A need to not put forth perfection- a virtual fake smile. A desire to just get the truth out and hopefully move on from there.
I appreciated her openness. My perception of everyone else’s life being nirvana while mine feels like it’s crumpling around my feet was corrected.
So, I guess, it’s not always a bad thing to share my depressing crap.
Hugs Tena! I’ve missed reading you, and we love you no matter what!
I call it catharto-blogging…we’ve all been there (and some of us still are there!)
Well, I can assure you that my life is far from nirvana and I can’t stand people who try to make their lives seem perfect. Anyway, I know I haven’t commented in a lonnnnggg time, but I just wanted to say hang in there. (Have I told congratulations on your pregnancy yet? If not, sorry for the delay.)
I think most people enjoy openness. Everyone goes through up’s and down’s. Usually at the same time. We all need to vent from time to time!
i know i agree honesty and openness. when i’m at my lowest i feel the same way: that everyone’s life is perfect except for mine and it’s refreshing to know that that’s not true, so thank you
My husband and I are in another ‘rough patch’, we had to give up our house (voluntary foreclosure) which means I am now living in an 890 square foot apartment (@1/2 the size of the house),and I gained back 8 of the 20 pounds I lost.
I know none of that probably makes you feel better, but if it does than your welcome.
Tena, I have read all of your posts. Yes, the latest ones have been down but I still eagerly await your next post. The reason being? I love your honesty. That is what drew me to your blog over a year ago and your honest entries have not made me any less anxious to read the next one. I actually decided that your way was the right way and I wrote a blog entry titled, “I’ve Been Cheated and I am Pissed.” I pretty much slammed my sister-in-law in there but of course…she didn’t read it. Fuck. So I picked up the phone and slammed her in the ear. Anyway…it felt good to get it out. I have been at the end of my rope this summer as well and I KNOW that you, your readers and I will all come out of this stronger in the end. Your blog is YOUR space and I admire the way you use it!
Nicki is SO right! Its your space, use it as you need to. I love your honesty! At one point in our lives, we have all felt the same way you are feeling now, so we can empathize.
Let me make you laugh Tena, because for 4 months you made me laugh out loud….LITERALLY!
When Twisted Lisa was homeless and living in my office (which was actually a converted 100 year old house), right over my washing machine, to the left of her TV was the present she won in your give-a-away.
So every day when I would do my laundry, staring back at me was “Twisted Tena’s Rabbit”.
Thankfully it was in it’s wrapper!!!
Oh Tena how I’ve missed u! I know you’re probably tired of “hearing” this but It will get better. You’ve always been a strong person. You never let anything or anyone bother you. You know where to find me
*MUAH*
Tena, I believe your “friend” came out of the woodwork to show you that you are not alone. I don’t know how hard it must be to blog when you are in a low time…but hopefully it helps to get your feelings out. I know for sure that many of us have the same feelings, even if our struggles may be different. I pray there are moments that you see that things will get better. Because they will. You will feel better, because your strength will pull you through…
Oh sweet girl. The one thing I have learned in my 38 years here on this rock is that NO ONE achieves Nirvana. Some are blind, some chose to see the glass half full, and some are just heavily medicated.
So when you read that blog that seems they have their shit together, don’t buy into the hype. Including mine.
Hugs to you – Ash (Em)