We don’t get out much

Bars should be dark.  It hides smeared mascara and shiny foreheads and insecurities (or maybe that’s the booze?)  

Also, my husband is self conscious of his hairline resembling a vagina in certain lights.  Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that because now, if you ever see him, you’ll be thinking about the unkempt crotch on his head and that will just be uncomfortable. 

I was feeling overtly sober in the well lit bar.  The first person that came up to me said she loved my hair and said I was “gorgeous”.  Never mind that she couldn’t stand up and called me a bitch.  I whispered in her ear, “you’re such a sweet drunk.” And then I may have felt her up.  I like compliments. 

It was one of my best friend’s husband’s 40th birthday party.  

People watching was at a premium, but I could only take the cigarette smoke for so long.   If there’s one thing I hate more than skinny girls that wear Spanx, it’s cigarette smoke. 

We had been sitting a table with a couple that we just met (friends of my friend).  We decided to go get a pizza.  The bar was loud and the Heineken draught was large.   This is the conversation that followed in our car on the way to the pizza place.

Husband:   Where are we going?

Me:  You’re the one that brought it up!  We’re going to get pizza!

Husband:  Are you sure?   They seemed pretty drunk.  He seemed interested in going to the titty bars. They might be shady.

Me:  You mean, when you suggested it?  After your 6th beer?

Husband:  Yeah, but you know… I was testing him.

Me:  Stop being a stupid drunk and lying.

Husband:  I think they’re swingers.  I think they’re trying to get us to swing with them.

Me:  You got that from PIZZA???  You’re giving yourself WAY too much credit- they do NOT want to sleep with you!

Long pause- 

Me:  Holy fuck… I don’t know their names! Do you remember their names?  Her name started with a SH sound… Shelley? Sharon?  Cheryl?  Do you remember his?  You stood in that long beer line with him?

Husband:  He’s Russian…  I think it’s Ivan. 

Me:  That’s totally racist.   

I’m not proud.  For the record, my husband sobered up and admitted he was wrong and I WAS RIGHT and we ended up having a great time with “Sh” and “Ivan”.   I wonder why we don’t have more friends?