I made the decision. I’m sure it won’t come without some regret- eventually. But I did what I had to do. And, for now, I’m happy with it. After all, I am the only person in this house that knows how to put the toilet paper roll onto the dispenser. Skills like that are invaluable.
I turned down the job. It was a decision I struggled over for the last week. My stomach has felt the firey wrath. I analyzed the pros and cons to death. It’s all I’ve been thinking about. In my haze, I have wiped my kitchen table with laundry stain remover and washed my face with eye make-up remover thinking it was toner. Twice.
The control freak in me couldn’t fathom needing to depend on so many people. One person to drive this one home from preschool, another to watch them after school, another to drive her to her playdate, and another to pick this one up from choir practice and then watch her until I get home. Composing the daily schedule kept me awake at night.
Ultimately, I decided, it’s not my time. The return was not great enough. My kids still need me.
I think I made the right decision.
I was in the parking lot to comfort my son after getting cut from baseball try-outs. He’s angsty and 15 and tried to hide the tears and disappointment. But I was there to soften the blow with pizza and ice cream and pretend I didn’t see his tear stained cheeks as my heart broke for him.
I was here to blow my sick 5 year old’s nose this morning and say God Bless You after she sneezed 18 times.
I walked through the grocery store realizing what a luxury it was to have that time. I did a load of whites and didn’t complain about the 7 socks with no match.
I learned the dangers of my husband “liking his milk cold” and setting the temperature on the fridge to 32… broken Pellegrino glass and frozen chunks of mineral water. And I cleaned it without calling him at work at ripping him a new asshole.
I will take my daughter to get her haircut and not bitch about her wanting short hussy layers and side bangs just because it’s breaking my heart that I won’t be able to put her hair in french braids anymore.
I will make my way to Toys’R'Us to return a defective High School Musical doll that I got her for her birthday. I won’t even whine to the cashier about both legs coming off as we took it out of the package.
I am grateful that I have the time to do this stuff, to be present in their lives, for now. I think I’m going to enjoy it, while I can.
You rock!! I wish more moms were like you.
I am a SAHM too (by choice) – it just feels right.
BTW – hope I’ll get to meet you at BlogHer in Aug.
Sometimes what we need is not the change but the reminder that what we have is good, even if it’s not perfect. I’m glad you made your choice and I think you made the right one.
“I am grateful that I have the time to do this stuff, to be present in their lives, for now”
iLIKE.
Exactly. While you can. Because it’s all over WAY too quickly and then they’re grown and out of the house and married and there’s grandkids and your babies have their own babies.
And you’re left to sit in wonder at how quickly the time has gone.
Congrats on the right decision. You won’t regret it.
It sounds like you made the right decision. Another job will come along at the RIGHT time for you and your family.
Good for you!! Difficult decision, but definitely for the best!
THE same things I keep thinking.. just applied for a 9 to 5′er. Not sure how I will function if I get teh job…been a stay at home mom…work from home mom… THEE entire time I’ve been a mom. Maybe I just need to be offered a job and I can kill the dream of getting dressed every morning, eating lunch out with adults, and bringing in a nice pay check so I can go back to buying expensive moisturizer!! Who knows…but good for you… taking a step is better than standing still…ANY-day.
Tena, I am sooo happy for you!!!!! Sure your face got a greasy feeling…twice…but I am so glad you didn’t use the toner as eye makeup remover. I can tell you from experience, it sucks ass! More importantly, I am sooo happy for you not only because you decided to stay home but because you are at peace with your decision and those interviews weren’t all for not. No more inner wars of “should I or shouldn’t I apply for that job?” By applying and going on the interviews (boogers and all) you learned that you CAN land the jobs when the time is right. You SO have what it takes but for now, you have more rewarding things to tend to despite the day-to-day aggravations. Congratulations!
I am a lurker..had to comment on this post. I stay home and sometimes I think of the career I could have had, but like you I wouldn’t trade it. Okay sappy stuff aside….wth is with the side bangs and WHO was the first person to let their kid have their hair cut like that?? I would like to smack them…side bangs=hair in the face which I do NOT like!!
This is such an important post… not only in that you reached that decision, but in that you point out all the simple little “everyday” things that we do as parents and how meaningful they are.
Right now, I’m only working 12-20 hours a week outside of the house, and my husband is home when I’m not. I know this won’t last, I know he’ll have to go to work/school within the next few months, and I try to savour every moment he & I & our daughter all have together. Even when I wish he’d go away for a little while because OH MY GOD IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIM TALK ABOUT THAT FKING VIDEO GAME ANYMORE….
haha! no, really. please no more video game talk.
I have a friend who gets home after her kids are in bed most nights. I am sure her career rocks. But she’s missing all those mundane and pedestrian moments with her kids.
It’s realising how special every single minute is, and how quickly those days have passed which is most important.
Many people don’t have a choice, they have to work. But if you have the choice – and you can manage it – that shared life with your children is too wonderful to miss.
very good post Tena! You are right on some many levels in this post. Kudos to you!