I could feel the unsettling, the bubbling in my gut moving upward. My fingertips and nose were cold, but I was sweating profusely. Vision was becoming cloudy through the cusp of the waterworks. Don’t lose it, not here, not in the carpool lot, I told myself. Then my phone rang. It was my mom. She must have recognized a familiar despair in my voice. She said she loved me. That was all it took. The flood walls were down. I wished for some Sci-Fi contraption of invisibility to guard me from the pity stares I felt from the moms all around me. Eyes of compassion, judgement and curiosity beamed in my direction. I stared forward. Motionless. Humiliated. But too broken to care.
The feeling of being stifled had been catching up with me. I’d been kept down for so long. You try to do what’s best. You make decisions and you live with them. Then, you get to a point where you wonder where did your life go? I was there.
This isn’t what I expected. Then again, I don’t know what I expected.
I used to play house. My name was always Donna or Linda. I was the business owner or local hairdresser. Then there was that odd phase I went through after I fixed my speaker wire, I got cocky and wanted to be an electrician.
But I was never the mom.
Maybe because the memories of my mom were of her being pretty unhappy. There were a lot of tears and uncertainty. A lack of confidence and self- worth and an overwhelming desire to find herself through a foggy life of sadness. She had an alcoholic to contend with. A co-dependency. A sickness. It wasn’t until she and my dad divorced that she got the chance. She overcame it. She found herself and met her happiness.
I knew the risks of patterns repeating. I was careful and thoughtful. I’ve had the therapy. I chose the conventional life path of wife and mother. I steered clear of the alcoholism, it was my one criteria, I’ve lived with its fear my entire life. It wasn’t enough. Other things go wrong. Life throws you curves that you don’t expect and that you don’t understand. Here I was repeating history, wondering why I didn’t learn from her lesson? Wondering what lessons I’m teaching my kids?
In the beginning, I had a penchant for pleasing others and making everything right. Whatever it took. In an attempt at an unreachable desire for perfection, I sacrificed, I ignored my needs, and I lost myself. I let others dictate, control and manipulate my every move and it changed me. I thought I was doing what was right, what I was supposed to do, what I had to do. I accepted this life as a consequence of being a mother and a wife- selflessness was the price I paid.
I’d become a shell of what I once was. I carry an exterior facade of a mom, a carpooler, a launderer, a housekeeper just going through the motions harboring resentment, regret, and guilt. I mourned my former life, not realizing that the fight in me would resurface.
Glimpses of life pass by me and fill me with hope and fear. I hope to find the strength. I fear the road ahead. But above all, I yearn for happiness. My statute of limitations on settling has run out and my sanity is the next to go.
In that parking lot, I may have reached my breaking point.
Love you, lady.
xoxo
*HUGS*
‘I mourned my former life, not realizing that the fight in me would resurface.’
FIGHT. The strength is right here with your friends and right inside of you. We’ll just remind you that you have it whenever you lose focus. xoxo
This was like reading something I was feeling several years ago. I rose above it all.. finally putting myself first though it was not easy. I know you will find your way… hang in there.
I am always here for you Tena! xoxoxoxoxoxo times a million.
there you are, avoiding all the ‘biggies’, thinking that will keep you safe from being trapped or unhappy, not realizing that there are thousands of little issues that creep up and grow and smother.
looking back, i realize my mom was terribly unhappy. she would have “sinking spells” and i was too young and too naive to understand she was depressed.
hang in there. you do have lots of fight in you. i know you do.
Oh, my darling… in the grocery store today I was also wondering where my former self might have disappeared to… and will she ever be back? Le sigh. I came THISCLOSE to tears too.. I know. I know. You’ll get through this time, this spell, this hoop – it’s a trick. I have no idea how to do it, but I have faith that we all can. We must. You’re SOOOO not alone, lady. I’m deep in the funk at the moment as well – I’m blaming it on winter. Meh. But? Spring is nigh… hang in there, kitten. You’ve got friends who understand out here… xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Tena this was an amazing post. I love you SO MUCH!
Hang in there, Tena! You don’t know me, but I’ve commented a few times on your blog. I truly understand what you’re saying, it was how I felt last week so strongly. I told my husband that I just felt so overwhelmed, all I wanted to do was sleep ‘cuz when you’re sleeping, you can’t think. I think from reading the comments above we all understand and hope for only the best for you!
Take care…..
Hang in there and do what you need to do. I don’t have any great words of wisdom unfortunately. I do understand how you feel.
You are an amazing person Tena! Here for you no matter what you need. xoxo
I’ve commented before…only to say that you and I have so much in common…right down to our birthdays
. I was where you are now in October of 2008. All I could see was hopelessness. No light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep plugging along and FIGHT for YOU! You will beat this. For me, it was a fantastic therapist, Prozac and a dash of Xanax. I am a better person for it now, almost glad that I went through it to see what I do have to hope for. This stranger sends you hugs and thoughts for strength. Good luck, Tena.
The good thing about reaching that point is that you can rebuild from there. Things will get better, Tena. You have it in you to find yourself again. And we are here for you 24-7. xoxo
Hang in there Tina! You can do this. We are here for you! HUGS!
We don’t know each other but I feel like I should say that I hope things get better for you. I hope you find a compass that might help. I am glad to see you have so much support.
I feel your pain. I’ve been thinking of writing a post lately called “the face of depression”… Amazing how it’s such a taboo topic, yet so many of us can relate.
I understand my friend. Truly I do!
Hang in there…I keep having visions about getting in my car clothes on my back and driving off…not because this…what I have isn’t what I want… its just not what I thought it would be like. Hard as hell…harder then I thought it would be.
Sending you wishes on the wind.
I have so been in that parking lot…facing the same thoughts and frustrations (((hugs)))
I don’t know what turns it around for me when I get to my meltdown points- maybe its a good long cry- I dont know… but whatever it is– I hope you feel happier soon.
It seems every time I come to your site, I end up looking in the mirror … even sometimes the aspects I try to pretend don’t exist– like my meltdown points.
Thank you for being so raw and honest in your writing. Know that you are speaking the words – so many of us can’t say.
(((More hugs)))
Your amazing talent as a writer has hit home, once again. I wish we were there with you to hug you and tell you that we love you so much, and that many of us are in the same boat, and that you should have gone with us to “Boystown” last year at BlogHer…hang in there, T…”this too shall pass”. We are all here for you! Call or e-mail any day, any time. Love you.
Oh sweetie I wish I could hug you right now. I have, as u know, so so so been there. The good news is, your inner self IS rebelling. You’re fighting yo get yourself back and as frustrating and angry and sad as it feels, it means u still have the fight in you.
Its so not too late, girl. Do whatever it takes to make YOU happy for once, even if its as small as saying I’m going to Borders one night and browsing the books and drinking coffee. Join the gym……taking a painting class…..baby steps to nourish your soul and get the old Tena back. Honestly its the best thing u could ever do for your kids.
LOVE YOU
I believe we all go through seasons in our life. This season for you is harsh but it, like all seasons, will pass and spring will come for you. Use your friends and family and your internet friends to help you through!! You are obviously pretty special, judging by all the comments!
Tena,
I sat here this entire evening and read every one of your entries on here. I really like your style of writing, and love your honesty. That being said, why don’t you try to talk to your husband about giving you more time to be by yourself to do the things you enjoy. Your husband sounds supportive, he works long hours to provide for you and your children, and you live in a nice home. His sacrifice is having to be away from his family for those long hours. Trying to do all of this on your own is impossible.
I also believe that a simple pill of xanax isn’t the cure all. I think that prozac may make wonderful changes in your life. Think about it.
i’m more often than not scurrying across the net most of the night which means I have a tendency to browse considerably, which is not normally a beneficial factor as nearly all of the websites I visit are constructed of unnecessary rubbish copied from similar sites a zillion times, on the other hand I have to compliment you because this webpage is in actual fact not bad at all and even has got a bit of original substance, therefore kudos for helping to stop the pattern of only replicating other people’s blogs and forums, if you ever wanna take up a couple of hands of zynga poker together with me just send me a message – you have my email
Tired of obtaining low numbers of useless traffic for your site? Well i wish to inform you of a new underground tactic which makes me personally $900 daily on 100% AUTOPILOT. I possibly could be here all day and going into detail but why dont you merely check their site out? There is a great video that explains everything. So if your seriously interested in making simple hard cash this is the website for you. Auto Traffic Avalanche