Over the Holiday, I avoided as many parties as possible because I was self-conscious and afraid that the jammie pants and hoodie might make me and my bloated face and limbs stand out a little more than I wanted.
As for the parties that I HAD to go to, I learned that I hate skinny women that wear Spanx and I think there should be a log at the stores- like when you buy pseudoephedrine so you don’t make TOO much meth- that gauges your need for constricting undergarments. I also learned that I am a bitterly jealous not jolly fat woman. The truth hurts.
On Christmas Eve, my husband went shopping for me (because he’s a man). I told him exactly what I wanted and where to get it (because he’s a man.). He called from the store for a reminder of what size (because he’s a man.)
”Extra large,” I said.
”Have you ALWAYS worn extra large?” he asked emphatically, not realizing that that question made me want to cut off his balls.
”Extra large, fucker! They run small.” I defensively added (even though I had no idea- I hadn’t even tried it on.)
Christmas morning I got the sweater. I tried it on. It was uncomfortably snug and I looked like I was smuggling packages of hot dogs in my back. And my sides. And my arms.
Enter Spanx. And the most exercise I had gotten in the last couple months trying to wedge myself into it. It smoothed out the bulges, but made me look like I was wearing a coat of armor under my sweater and that I had now linked all the hot dogs together and wrapped them around my rib cage- where the Spanx didn’t quite reach the bra. And now, hot dogs make me cry.
Later that day, I opened a present from my mom. It was disturbing on many levels.
Clearly, she’s been reading my blog and wants me dead.
She also added a side note that if it doesn’t fit, she bought it online and can’t return it, so she’ll take it. I’m versed in paranoid fat girl talk and that translates into Wow, I noticed you’ve gained a lot of weight since I bought that and they didn’t have it in big girl sizes so why don’t you just give it to your skinny mom.
I’ve seriously had enough. Congratulations Nutri System, Weight Watchers, Marie Osmond and Valerie Bertanelli- your guilt trips have suceeded. Your commercials have made it impossible for me to escape even in the comfort of my couch while watching trashy television- so denial – no more.
So today, in 2 degree weather, I ventured to the gym. But first, an athletic bra and holy side boobs! When did my boobs start growing over there?
Then… running shoes. Apparently- even my feet ate too many carbs.
Good news, though. I waddled my ass to the gym and ran an eliptical for 3 miles and lived to tell the story.
Ok, seriously. THis is funny shit!! The hot dog visual practically had me wetting myself!! I don’t care WHAT siz you are or what size you take, with a sense of humor like yours, I PUFFY HEART YOU!!!!
Hallie
BTW, contest over my way in case you’re interested. Might look smashing on you as you elliptical away!!
Oh, my. It isn’t funny, because I had to get into a swimming suit on Friday and realized that I now offically have backfat. Which I thought only pigs had. Yet-it is funny, so yeah, I am laughing. But in commiseration, not glee.
First of all, I have no idea what you are talking about crazy lady– you are a teeny little gal. I saw you with my own eyes back in July…
and if said “XL Present” was a GAP Hoodie– Then rest assured, they DO RUN SMALL cause i have one on now.. and it too is an XL..and clearly Im an XS (LMAO JK)
Good for you though getting to the gym!… I should do that one day this year too… right now, Im still carrying around laziness from 09′ though lol
Yeah, my mom had to tell me over the holidays that she now weighs less than I do. That has never been the case, even at my highest preggers weight. I feel your pain. I started back at the gym today too, hopefully I can keep it up and get ‘it’ off. Good luck!
I know how you feel….. it’s all I can say.
My fat pants are tight. So I get it. really, I do. Way to go on the gym….I considered dusting off the eliptical trainer but that is as far as I got.
Three miles! I think that is pretty damn awesome. Now I’m off to do my Wii Fit PLUS. I’m a little afraid.
listen, i am right there with you. i am CONTEMPLATING a return to the gym, but now it has been so long, i am afraid of walking back in and being recognized by the stupid instructors and having them all notice the obvious effect of my not being in the gym in a year. being silently judged would only send me into the arms of oreos and milk. and ice cream. and maybe even pizza.
Right on for three miles—I can kind of herky jerky jog/walk that, but not so much the running
Good work
Well done on the running!
And spanx rock. Really, they do.
You got in more running than I did, congrats on that. My moment was when my daughter said to me “Mom, have you seen Holly’s Mom? She lost a lot of weight & I think she is even thinner than you now” *sighs*
gah,I wiggled into an XL Old Navy fleece and wanted to cry when I could barely get it back off. It looks like Im smuggling a turkey in the waist band of my pants but i dropped that bird like 11 weeks ago so what gives? *plods off to go Shred*
Hey Tena! I have missed you so! Check out my new “personal” trainer….you need to get one of these!
http://twistedlisa.blogspot.com/2009/12/happy-new-year.html
My mom purchased a brand new one for my house. But I’m having some trouble and I need help.
I am right there with you! I really need to get a gym membership though… I wish I had money to do it. I have tons of back fat, boob fat, everything fat!