The last post, I had my panties in a bunch. For the record, I don’t call them panties, either, they’re underwear. I’m too sexy.
I’m over it. I’m staying positive and good things are happening, but I can’t say too much or I’ll totally jinx it.
Also, there’s a good chance that I am PMS’ing and that’s all that needs to be said. Oh- and no chocolate. For the last 15 days!
FYI, when you have pretty much detoxed your body of eating crap and then you go out to eat Mexican for your son’s birthday… DON’T follow it up with a trip to someone’s house that you’ve NEVER met for a game of Bunco.
It could get embarrassing- even more so than the time I drove away from the gas station with the nozzle still in my gas tank. Or when I was waiting for my kids at the school parking lot and dropped a Xanax- on my seat- and had to dig to find it- and the woman in the car next to me was starring at me digging into my crotch. Ah, good times.
Have you ever been to someone’s house and clogged the toilet?
Fair warning- the rest of this post is about poop, I completely understand if you run away screaming.
I have had close calls, but I truly haven’t personally had this problem. However, I have been witness to it and can say, on their behalf- there’s nothing more humiliating! My 9 year old has bowels that have no right being in little petite intestines of a 40 lb child. At least once a month, I double as her labor coach- seriously. I am accustomed to asking the host where they keep their plunger, toiletbowl cleaner, and rectifying the situation. Just another skill I CAN’T put on my resume!
When I was in high school, my dad had a work friend and his family over for a game night. His daughter happened to be a classmate of mine. We weren’t friends. She was sort of obnoxious, loud, and though relatively popular, she was always desperate to fit in. People that try too hard just rub me the wrong way. She was one of those.
That night, she overflowed our main toilet- BIG TIME. The bathroom flooded and shit was everywhere.
Now, I enjoy other’s embarrassment on occasion. It’s the reason I sometimes intentionally keep my 4 year old’s underwear attached to the Velcro on my husband’s cargo pants right out of the dryer. But, I don’t care how badly she annoyed me, I felt sorry for her. I would have felt sorry if it were Sarah Palin (yeah, I’m not a fan of her either.)
Though I felt sorry for her, there was always a part of me that was giddy with having the upper hand. Like don’t annoy me, bitch, I’ve got dirt on you that could take you down!
This is the first I’ve ever mentioned that incident. I think 23 years is a respectable amount of time of holding my silence. Plus, it happened again this weekend so the story was fresh in my mind.
My daughter had a friend over. I was pretty sure nothing good could come from hearing the toilet flush 3 times in a row. I called my daughter down and she admitted they needed the plunger. I reluctantly asked if she needed me to do it… she thought she could handle it- cool- my own kids’ poop grosses me out enough, I didn’t think I could stomach an outsider’s. Ten minutes later and 5 more flushes, I masked my face under my shirt and headed up as reinforcement.
WHILE, I was taking care of that, the girl went downstairs to use another bathroom. Again. And it clogged. Again.
The plunger and I became well acquainted. And lots of bleach. I know that’s not a full sentence, but that’s what bleach does to your brain cells.
I told my daughter, “don’t tell your friend we have another bathroom and for, the love of God, give her some fiber!”
Last night, we had the family over and, naturally, this subject came up. My brothers in law beamed with pride-it was savagely weird and unsettling!
”Yeah, I clog the toilet- pshaw- ‘virtually uncloggable toilet, my ass!’ one said of his fancy new toilet.
“Ha- a plunger? My dad once had to remove the toilet off of the floor,” bragged another. By the way, I’m noting that one under the urban myth catergory along with the woman that bought a cactus and it exploded from a Scorpion laying eggs in it.
My sisters were so proud. They are probably cursing me now- since last night, I served chili.
People that try too hard just rub me the wrong way—BEST LINE EVER!!! I know people who do this…and it annoys the CRAP OUT OF ME! (you like the way I tied that in with the theme of your post?)
my two year old is a toilet clogger. It is pretty amazing what her little body can do.
This post rocks. Cracked me up, sitting here while my family stared at me wondering why I’m laughing at the computer.
Nothing like a story about shit to make me giggle like a 12 year old boy.
I SO needed that.
So glad to hear that my kids are not the only ones that regularly clog toilets.
Home Depot has this toilet – I forget the brand but the model is Champion – that is supposed to be able to flush 21 golf balls. I’ve never tested it with 21 golf balls. I should have, though. Seems it won’t stand up to #2 Son with a full load, so to speak.
That is hysterical.. because it wasn’t me. if it were my house, Id probably run out of the house screaming for help… Im a sissy like that.
OMG! My daughter can clog a toilet in no time flat!
One of our toilets had to removed, and replaced to find out what happened to the poor thing! *It was a catapillar comb!*
This post is So funny! Not the part of having to plunge other peoples pooh but funny still.
What is even worse is when you have a “Mystery Crapper” on a vacation with about 15 people involved that leaves the clogged toliet for the next unsuspecting user.
Ha! That is awesome! Both my 4 yo girl and 8 yo boy are known to clog some toilets. But I still think the best is that my friend told me her 5 yo boy clogged a toilet at her brother’s house and didn’t realize it until poop and toilet water was flowing down the hallway through the house. Also, my grandmother who is slowly losing her mind also clogged my parents toilet one Thanksgiving, which ended up with old lady poop and water flowing all over. Unfortunately for the rest of us they only have 1 bathroom!
My kids don’t block the toilet, so much as toxify the place with a stench so unbearable that it sends everyone screaming, gagging from the house.
Oh. Sadly, I LOVE this post b/c it makes me feel good about MYSELF.
Before I met my husband, my ex & I were off on a crazy weekend bender of some sort, I imagine.. We got to his older(and cute) friends house who I just adored ( I was 20, all these guys were mid 30’s creeps.) and I was like “This is embarrassing but I need to take a shit, so..is that cool?”
..why I ASKED, not sure..see above “bender” note.
Also, keep in mind, I was beautiful back then, so people naturally assumed I just didn’t poop.I must have felt the need to warn them…
Needless to say, lots of poo, no plunger, 3am & no 24 hour Walmarts in the area yet.. it was bad.
..Bad..BAD BAD BAD.
I am still getting that flutter of anxiety in my chest right now even thinking about it.. oh man…
Yea um I have a pooping around people phobia. I would die of embarrassment if I had to poop at somebody’s house. If I had to, I’d say I was sick and rush home. I’m weird like that.
OK…. laughing so hard I almost peed…got a text last Wednesday while I was in my Dave “damn” Ramsey class from my 15 yo daughter…text reads “HOW DO YOU USE THE PLUNGER?”
omg, this is hilarious!
I don’t clog the toilet, but my son has numerous times. And he tries really hard to hide it. Like if the water goes down, but doesn’t come back up, he calls it good and heads off on his merry way, leaving the surprise for the next person who happens along and doesn’t notice before it’s too late. I’ve taught him how to use a plunger well enough, and he’s had a couple times where he has had to use EVERY towel we own to mop up the floor when it happened while I was at work…so now he’s pretty good about doing a double/triple flush when need be.
Great story!! And I love some of the stories in the comments!