Fifteen years ago today, my first child was born. (Happy Birthday to him, I’m old, yada, yada, yada…this isn’t about that).
I was single. It was certainly an unexpected situation that I had to prepare myself for.
Before I got pregnant, I never saw myself as a “mom”, I never wanted kids, I was selfish and I wasn’t sure that I had the nurture in me. But I’m a big believer in the train of thought that things happen for a reason. I was on a collision course, of sorts, at that point in my life. Something bigger than me stepped in and slowed me down- I truly believe that.
Once he was born, that light turned on. I was enamored by him. I spent every waking second soaking him in, but it wasn’t long. Not long enough at all. Four weeks after he was born, I went back to work. I worked long hours because I had to. I missed his first words, first steps, the foods he was trying- I missed everything- because it was the only option.
A little piece of me died every time he called his babysitter “Mama Sylvia”. I remember the day I picked him up from her house and she told me that he was potty trained. I went home and cried. Another milestone that I had no part of.
By time he was four, I had married my husband and we had decided to have another child. I was not going to let another person raise another child for me. I have been a stay at home mom since and, for better or for worse, I have been a part of every new and learning moment they have all had. I never have to learn about my kids’ lives secondhand anymore- I’m a part of it. I am grateful for that.
I don’t judge working moms at all. If you do something that fits into your life- that’s great. I envy that more than you know.
The thing is, I loved working. I loved having work friends. I loved feeling necessary to a common goal at a workplace. Getting a paycheck didn’t hurt, either. I had a sense of worth that is more concrete and more acceptable in our society than being a “mom”.
I was recently asked (in regards to our financial strain), “why don’t you work?” I don’t believe this question was asked NOT to be mean. I believe this question is laden with judgement. Then again, I’m very defensive on the subject. It’s a point of contention with me. Something that I’m very self- conscious of and a constant source of internal struggle. That question has been eating away at me since I read it.
It touched a hot point with me on so many levels. Regardless of our financial issues, I am ashamed that I am unable to contribute. I have always been torn by having a desire to work versus the need to be there for my kids.
Immediately, reasons started running through my head-not excuses- bonafide reasons. I wish I could work. I have tried to work. I have applied for too many jobs to name in the last several years. The kind of meesly $8.00 an hour jobs that fit into our life caused more of a strain on our family than it was worth.
It’s hard to get hired for your “dream job” when your work experience is practically non-existent and your availability is limited. Any person I worked with 12 years ago is no longer to be found. I have no employee references. I can’t allow them to contact my old employers- the businesses are closed down. It’s like I never worked.
My husband’s job does not allow me any regularity of availability. He can, and is, called in to work, at the drop of a hat. Twelve hour shifts are the norm. Overtime is expected.
Though my kids are no longer babies, they still need me. I always thought, once they were older, I could go back to work, but it seems as they get older, their lives and schedules are more demanding than ever- needing to be driven from here to there, needing help with homework, volunteering at school, practices, and games.
I made a sacrifice to stay home with my kids. Apparently, more of a sacrifie than I anticipated, with a longer duration than I imagined. But things happen for a reason.
So, that is why I don’t work.
I stayed home for 12 years while my kids were young, went to to an office job when they were both well entrenched in school. That lasted four years before being laid off. Now, being at home is not necessarily by choice, but because of medical issues with my son, it is where I need to be. Maybe every thing does happen for a reason.
Don’t let anyone tell you, you don’t work. You just don’t get a paycheck, but you darn well work!
Feeling that tug-o-war between feeling like you should be contributing financially and felling like you should be with your children is hard. Really hard. You don’t work outside of the home and it doesn’t really matter why as long as that is what works for yo and your family. You shouldn’t have to explain yourself to anyone.
I can totally relate. Most of my friends are stay at home moms and they ask why don’t I quit my job to hang with them…. it’s not like I make all that much money as a pretend school nurse, anyway. But, I work my small little job to pay for my child’s tuition to school…. and in a couple of years, when she goes to high school, I may have to give up my summers, too, for a “real” job….. or she could just go to public school… but we’ve discussed this before. Motherhood sucks sometimes, doesn’t it? When we’re judged for the decisions we make that work for OUR families!
i get this… i really do. i finally threw in the towel and made peace with the financial struggle so i could be at home. you are doing what is right for you (even if it doesn’t feel right all the time). listen, before you know it the youngest will be driving and the other kids will be out of the house and you can go back to work then. or not. i am almost to that point now, but like you, am having a hard time figuring out how to turn my lame background (and lack of references) into cold, hard cash.
I don’t work either and other than a few stints here and there, I don’t care that I haven’t worked. It is infinitely more important to me to walk my kids to school in the morning, walk them home at the end of the day, be there for every holiday, vacation and sick day then it is to have a paycheck. I’d much rather be poor than work. But that’s certainly not for everyone and many women are breadwinners for their family. I have no references either and eventually I’ll go back to school for something or other and try to find something that fits into my crazy life.
I’ve done both, like you. I’ve worked full time and put my kids in daycare, becasue it was needed. (Actually, we were homeless living in my mother’s garage and I took a job SIX hours away and left my babies with my husband and didn’t see them for two months except for on the weekends…so yeah, it was needed. Either that or don’t eat.)
I hated not being there, and missing things. I loved working, and being a part of an adult-only environment.
But I decided, several years ago, to stay home. It was right for ME. For our family. Yes, it’s hard. My husband works two jobs so I can stay home, and I’ve gotten those questions too. The looks. Sneers, occasionally.
But I don’t regret my choice, because for me…for our family, it was the right decision.
I don’t think anyone has the right to question the choices of mothers. Our lives have been usurped by the needs and wants of other people, so it’s not like our choice to stay home is a selfish one. As the choice to work isn’t a selfish one. It’s personal.
Sorry. Stepping off soapbox now.
I’ve done both too.
Love you, lady.
I work from home, and I am lucky to be able to do so. I wouldn’t judge anyone else’s choice, although I would be more inclined to want to side with the person who’d rather stay at home than work full time in the kind of job where you don’t get home until after the kids are in bed (which was my previous job!)
Tena I don’t think your being defensive. It sounds more like you got your hackles up a bit from what sounds to have been a fairly judgemental question.
It’s a struggle, no matter which choice we make as moms. There will come a time – soon for you since your oldest is now 15 – when he can tote the others around for you. It’ll make things a little easier for you should you decide you do want to try to go back to work.
Happy Birthday #1!!!
Personally I don’t think you should feel the need to be defensive. I stayed at home with my oldest two & then when I finally left my abusive husband I HAD to go to work when my youngest was only 2 and thought I was blessed beyond belief that there was a lovely older woman who watched him for me. My heart broke too each time I would pick him up & she would tell me something he said or did.
I know how hard it is to jump back into the job market when you don’t have a lot of experience. I was in sales for years & recently made the jump to a telecommuting position in sales & now I do some virtual assistant work as well. There is a website that has wanted ads for all types of telecommuting work. If your interested email me & I’ll forward the site on to you. I’ve been able to snag a few jobs from it and I would bet if I spent more of my day applying for all the different jobs I would end up finding more. I’ve also made some pretty decent money on eBay selling the kids clothing, household items we no longer use & we cleaned out our vinyl record stash. Honestly eBay brings in an extra few hundred each month for us. But, it is TIME consuming.
In all honesty with all the kids between JMac & I there is slim chance we would be able to manage with me working outside the home right now. I also have delivered pizza’s in the evening, but JMac’s job he is also on call with so he could get called out too.
Anyway stop feeling guilty your job is just as important. Being a Mom is THE most important job you can and ever will do.
What do you mean “you don’t work’? Keeping a house and caring for the needs of a family is just about the hardest thing a person can do – it’s 7 by 24 and compensation is emotional – which, unfortunately, you can’t take to the bank.
SAHMs are the hardest working people I know. Period.
Love to read your blog. It’s so crazy how we judge each other. I am in the oppositive situation a lot. And I feel defensive about it too. I have a ton of friends who stay home and question why I work. I left private practice and joined the school system so that I could have lots of time off and it’s been the perfect fit for me. We all have to do what is right for us. I think we get so invested in our decisions that we question or judge or feel defensive because there really is no way to have it all perfect the way we want it right? It’s just important to have people support our decisions, no matter what they are.
I understand how it feels to have people pass judgment when they don’t know the whole story. You are doing what needed to be done for your family. If people disagree? Oh well for them. There aren’t exactly millions of jobs out there waiting to be filled these days.
I am also a SAHM. I worked from home (daycare), and worked full time outside the home. Now I am in college online, so I am here every minute of everyday. I like you miss the adult interaction, and it causes some major financial hardships. My heart breaks when the kids ask for something that I just can’t afford, I try to remember, that in 20 years they wont remember the toy but they will remember me being at home.
I love this post. I feel very privileged to stay home with my two. At the same time, I am hungry for work and validation. It’s all such a trade off.
I am the complete opposite. I am a workaholic whereas my friends are mothers – to two or three kids with a loving husband. I am constantly asked why I am not married, though I was once, it doesn’t matter. It is as though my status is reflected in my marriage, or lack thereof. Try not to take it personally, I don’t think we could ever make people happy. Just ourselves.
There are so many with the tug-a-war of stay home or work outside the home. I went back to work 3 weeks after Son was born and missed lots too.
Each family has to decide for themselves what is the best solution. I am happy that you are at home with your family! You go Girl!
You know why I love you and your blog so much (besides its obvious a”Fabul-ocity”
) …because evertime I read a post I find another thing we have in common. The whole first few paragraphs were my life.
I got pregnant when I did not expect to, before I was married, was young and still working but also felt “everything happens for a reason” and buckled down for parenting… I missed a lot of our sons milestones as well… and til this day am slightly jealous of the tight bond my son developed wth my MIL who watched him over that time.
Now I stay at home with both kids….and it bothers me to no end that I dont pull in any money to contribute…. I also miss the working towards a common goal at a work place– and adult interaction… but for now, this is what is most important for us. My being here for our kids… because by me going back to work, I probably wouldn’t be earning enough to justify paying a daycare etc.
And you know what?? regardless of the reasons (and everyone has their own that work for them)….. bottom line is….it’s really no ones business.
Well put! Everyone asks if I’ll work (full-time) again when K goes to school…and I say, “my oldest will be in 8th grade on her way to H.S. are you JOKING?” I do dream of a paycheck and more adult conversation, but never at the sake of my children. Just my personal two cents.
Listen… you are invaluable. I wish I could stay home and raise my children.It kills me that I have to leave them for work every day and my financial situation isnt any better than most people right now but I work because we choose for me to work. I admire and envy you and dont let anyone take away the decision you have made. To each his own… You are a GREAT mom!
I’ve been defensive about it too. The bills come in and I think I should go out and get a J O B, but then my son asks to go the skate park on a Wednesday afternoon and I can’t imagine missing out on that.
I haven’t read all of the comments so I apologize if I am reiterating what has already been said. First of all, I believe that there is only one being that has a right to judge and I am pretty sure He isn’t leaving comments on your blog or to your face. Secondly, I think people confuse “working outside the home for a paycheck” with “working” and anyone that asks a stay-at-home mom “why don’t you work?” has their head up their ass and doesn’t know what “work” really is. Third, you are absolutely right on so many levels…
…your son DID come into your life at the right time and under the right circumstances. I believe as you do that everything happens for a reason and it sounds like your boy saved your life on some level or another. I have two children and I was determined that I was NOT going to be a “June Cleaver” when my 16 year old was born. I loved her with all my heart and I wanted her since before I was old enough to make babies but I did NOT want to be a stay-at-home mom. I just didn’t have that in me. By the time she was 4, I began to realize how much I was missing and I quit my job to stay home with her and her little brother. I have gone back to work here and there but you are right. Working for minimum wage or even slightly more isn’t worth it legistically. Additionally, working for any amount of money isn’t worth it when your children are young and especially if you can find a way to make staying home work for you. Sure, money is tight but the kids will move out someday and we will have a lot of time to work after that. I don’t think people realize how incredibly wonderful it is to know that by staying home, you are contributing more to the family than if you went off to work, regardless of what the pay was. You have a job that requires more people skills, organization, medical training, and management than any profession out there and you can stand tall knowing that. And at the end of the day, you can tell yourself that you really and truly made a difference in a life and be absolutely correct.