I’ve never stood out. I never really wanted to. I was always successful at blending into the background- smiling and nodding.
For many years, I had become entrenched, invisible in this thing called motherhood. It suited me. It was an inconspicuous lifestyle. Nothing unusual or extraordinary- I was content with being camouflaged in mediocrity. I hid behind my kids and a rather mundane existence.
A few years ago, something clicked in me. A novel, unfamiliar contemplation. I longed for more. It was unclear what, but something was missing. Feelings of guilt stirred in me. My life was NOT about me and that is the life I chose. Yet, suddenly, I wanted it to be about me. Something. Anything.
I watched as life was passing me by and felt I had compromised. Others were moving forward, as I stayed stagnant, pouring my life into others, I left myself behind. I had forgotten about the person that I wanted to be, hidden the person I was and settled for what was given to me- never chasing any dreams or taking any risks. My life was swallowed up in playing it safe.
All the smiling and nodding through the years, concealed racing thoughts- beliefs, humor, expression, feelings- some useless, some profound, some good, some bad, none shared. I never thought there was anything worth sharing. I had convinced myself of such.
In a huge leap of faith, I attempted to share. It’s the most selfish thing I’ve done as an adult. This is about me.
This outlet has been vital to my arguable sanity. It has been met with much criticism. Whether it’s worthy remains to be seen. But it’s something that I needed.
The culmination of my complacency? An uncertainty in what I have to offer. My hiatus from ‘me’ resulted in a lack of confidence. Doubt exudes from my pores. Self- deprecation is the shield that guards me from the failure and embarrassment.
I owe it to myself and my family to feel complete and believe in myself as being more than ‘just a mom’ and not feeling guilty from stringing the words just and mom together. I yearn to have a bigger purpose.
I’m working on it.
wow…there it is….the baring of ones soul and inner most thoughts….I too, have been feeling ‘different’ wrote about it the other day http://catchingmysecondwind.blogspot.com/2010/01/deep-in-thought.html Must be in the air. BREATHE DEEP.
There are some who will get what you mean in this post. And some who won’t. And in a way, I wish I didn’t get it. I often envy those who can jump into motherhood and live it through and through and it is enough. Because really? It is enough because it’s everything. But I get this.
And it’s been fun checking in on your journey….
Thanks for sharing your journey. I think I get what you are saying. I have been feeling similar, though never invisible because I tend to stick out like a loud obnoxious ass, but everything seems to go by so fast and I don’t even know what I am doing anymore. That probably doesn’t make sense. I guess I am just thinking that I can relate and it’s really nice that you are sharing.
wow. i understand the longer the hiatus from ones self, the greater the loss of confidence.
it is interesting to me how so many moms talk about what they sacrificed by having a family. i guess i never made anything too spectacular of myself before my family, so in a way, i had nothing to lose. but i also have nothing to “go back to” now that i have time for myself, and that kind of depresses me.
so anyway, very excellent post, my dear. one that makes me take a hard look at myself.
I can imagine this was a tough one to write, but you have to know you’re not alone. I think any woman who has stayed home raising a family has felt this way at some point. I often wonder why so many of us spend time pretending otherwise. I feel for you honey…pulling the the other part of yourself out of the rubble is not an easy process, but I have to believe that in the end it will all be worth the effort.
Girl. I LOVED that post. And just like they say about addictions: ‘The first step is realizing you have a problem”. I realized I had the “My Life Is Not About Me Anymore” problem about 2 years ago. My first step was starting the blog. Difficulties in my marriage finally propelled me to say ‘fuck this’ – I’m getting the ‘old me’ back – and I lost the weight over the next year. I am so much happier now than I was 2 years ago. Even tho my marriage is different, I have myself back and that, honestly, is so much more important. Hang in there, sweetie…keep writing…you’re so so good at it.
I get it.
Amen, Sister!