Four healthy children, their smiling faces in pictures adorn my walls and their screams- happy and sad- echo through my hallway. A husband who, though oftentimes is misguided, means well and loves me. A comfortable home, draped for the season in pine, holly and white lights. Kitchen counters loaded with enough cookie ingredients to make Mrs. Clause fall into a diabetic coma of jealousy.
I’m surrounded by blessings, but why am I having such a hard time holding back the rush of tears? Why is there a permanent bubble of trepidation sitting in my throat? Nothing numbs the apprehension.
‘Tis the season.
I’ve always heard statistics about depression and suicide being worse during the holidays. Pressumably, I’ve always thought it was referring to those that feel lonely and hopeless- without family and friends. Encompassed by constant references of loved ones gathering from near and far. Those that are disadvantaged and impoverished. The commercial and materialistic tone of the season is a deafening reminder of meager means and a struggle of basic sustenance.
I don’t fit the mold. It doesn’t make the staggering depression any easier or unreal. Expectations are distressing. Upon a glance, I should be nothing but grateful. Putting on a good front and a happy face are integral- I’m not unmindful of what I have and would not want to appear unappreciative, but the fear is powerful. It’s prevailing. I’ve drowned myself in distractions, withdrawal and denial as a coping mechanism. It’s time to stop running away.
I’ve turned to prayer. My faith has been sketchy and undirected as of late. I’m ashamed that it has taken this low to get me there. Sadly, it has taken crushing despair for me to turn to the poignancy of the season.
I could use a light in the darkness. I am afraid. Sad, when Linus speaks to me.
And the angel said unto them,
Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
i was just thinking the other week that i have actually had a couple of prayers answered and i was so wrapped up in other issues on my mind, i haven’t been able to recognize the relief and blessing. shame on me.
on another note, i think i have been depressed all fall. it’s so weird… it is like i am outside my body, looking at myself and assessing my depressed behavior and i can’t do anything about it.
i also think that life, even without major life-altering problems, is pretty darn hard. i guess it might be easy for some people, but i find life is pretty overwhelming.
persevere, my friend. that is what i am trying to do.
*HUGS*
Amen! My husband pointed out to me that I am unusually stressed/anxious. See today’s blog post.
I hope things get better for you.
Peace.
The last line is my fav “Glory to God, and on earth peace, good will toward men”. The holidays are hard to a lot of people. Just try to remember your blessings.
Amen and (((HUGS)))… we are dealing with depression here in my house… seasonal depression kills us… my teen and I are going tanning this weekend.. maybe that will help…
Turning to prayer is the best thing to do. Trust God. He will help you to feel blessed and enjoy the holiday season with your family.
Hang in there!
I understand- especially the brave face… Here’s my theory, (I know you’re dying for it!) A person who allows her/himself to really dive into those feelings, yet understands at the same time how truly blessed they are, are the luckiest because we get to see all the aspects of life. AND we get to know what true joy is because we experience despair.
Here’s hoping you experience many small moments of cheer this Christmas…
Oh sweetie. Hang in there and don’t beat yourself up. You are such a special, warm and loving soul. Thanks for being so brave to share with us. Merry Xmas.XO
A wise friend once told me, lower your expectations so that you are not disappointed. So far it’s not working for me. Know you’re not alone in your feelings. Hugs!
I know exactly how you feel.. and I just got back from Jamaica!… all of a sudden I am depressed…. hang in there… you are not alone!
I am sorry you are going through this right now! It seems like alot of us are going through this, me included!
Maybe that will cheer you up some 
Feel better!
On another note, I was your SSS. I hope by now you have received your package, if not you should be getting VERY soon as I sent it out on December 16th
Tena,
You touched me with this post. I think the holidays are a weird time and set up a lot of expectations that are impossible to fulfill. God bless you and thanks for sharing. I’ve finally gotten my blog back up and running, so if you feel so inclined, come and visit. Much love.